Very Important Corpses Read online

  ‘Because I’m the Colonel, and you’re not,’ he said crushingly. He bestowed a brief smile on Penny. ‘Good to see you again, Miss Belcourt. I don’t believe we’ve spoken since that unfortunate business at your old family home.’

  ‘You mean when all my family were slaughtered,’ she said unflinchingly. ‘You did a good job of cleaning up afterwards. I heard there was a very convenient gas explosion to explain why no one got to see the state of the bodies.’

  ‘The simplest cover stories are always the best,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Can we talk about why we’ve had to come all this way in such a hurry?’ I said. ‘And why you couldn’t even hint at what’s happened until now.’

  ‘And why we had to meet here,’ said Penny. ‘I’ve gone drinking in after-hours Soho lock-ins with a less distressing ambience.’

  I looked at her. ‘You have?’

  ‘I’ve lived,’ said Penny.

  ‘If we could stick to the subject …’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Is it something to do with the monster?’ Penny said hopefully.

  ‘No,’ said the Colonel. ‘You’re here because this year the Baphomet Group are holding their annual meeting on the banks of the loch. At Coronach House.’

  And having dropped that particular bombshell, he sat back and studied me carefully to see how I was taking it. I kept my face studiously calm, while I thought hard. Penny looked at both of us blankly.

  ‘What’s the Baphomet Group?’ she said. ‘I’ve never even heard of it.’

  ‘Not many have,’ I said. ‘That’s the point. Think of the Bilderburg Group, only more so. The Bilderburg and all the other famous big-name meetings are just distractions. Something to hold the public’s attention while the really influential people get on with their own special meetings, tucked safely away in the background. So no one will ever know as they make the financial decisions that affect the fate of nations.’

  ‘Exactly,’ said the Colonel. ‘The Baphomet Group hold their extremely secret gatherings in a different location every year. Just the knowledge that so many economic movers and shakers were all in one place, talking together, would do very unpleasant things to the world’s financial markets. For reasons of their own, which are of course none of our concern, the Group decided to come here this year.’

  ‘To Coronach House?’ I said. ‘With its reputation?’

  ‘I might have known you’d have heard about it,’ said the Colonel. ‘Perhaps the Group chose the House in the hope its unhealthy reputation would keep people away. If so, their stratagem would appear to have backfired on them. We need you to go there and take over as Head of Security.’

  ‘Why do they need someone like me?’ I said. ‘What’s happened at Coronach House?’

  ‘The first agent the Organization sent has been killed,’ the Colonel said flatly. ‘Jennifer Rifkin. A first-class operative, but not good enough. She’d barely been in the House twelve hours before she was found dead in her room.’

  I sat back in my chair and frowned. Penny put a hand on my arm.

  ‘Did you know her, Ishmael?’

  ‘I’ve heard of her,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know she was working for the Organization.’

  ‘We don’t talk about our agents,’ said the Colonel. ‘Even to other agents. You of all people should appreciate that, Mister Jones.’

  I gave him my best cold glare. ‘I’d work better if you weren’t always keeping things from me.’

  ‘I could say the same of you,’ said the Colonel. ‘Unless you’re finally ready to tell me your true name and background?’

  I kept looking at him until he shifted uncomfortably in his chair.

  ‘You could always ask your superiors about me, Colonel,’ I said calmly.

  ‘I have. Repeatedly. But apparently I don’t need to know. You have no idea how much that irritates me.’

  ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Now tell me how Jennifer Rifkin died.’

  ‘Badly,’ said the Colonel. ‘And in a somewhat unusual manner. According to the reports, it seems some kind of creature was involved.’

  ‘Did anyone see it?’ I said.

  ‘No. No one saw or heard anything. How a wild animal could have got into Coronach House past all the layers of security, kill one particular person and then leave, all without being noticed, remains a mystery.’

  ‘Which is why you’re sending me,’ I said.

  ‘Hold everything!’ said Penny. ‘Your agent was killed by a creature in a house on the banks of Loch Ness … Are you sure the monster isn’t involved?’

  The Colonel looked down his long nose at her. ‘Unless it’s a lot smaller than has always been supposed, I really don’t see how, Miss Belcourt. The Loch Ness monster has been gifted with a great many unusual qualities, but sneakiness is not one of them.’

  ‘Oh, pooh!’ said Penny.

  ‘Couldn’t have put it better myself,’ I said. ‘Still, of all the houses the Group could have chosen …’

  ‘Why?’ Penny said immediately. ‘What’s wrong with it?’

  ‘Coronach House is centuries old,’ I said, ‘with a celebrated history. Though not in a good way. It was home to two infamous clan massacres, and the family had a disturbing preoccupation with the occult. The House was even a meeting place for the original Hellfire Club when their members were driven out of London after one unfortunate scandal too many. More recently, Coronach House was the setting for quite a famous disappearance. Some fifty years ago, a very well-thought of family rented the place for a vacation. They moved in quite happily, looking forward to a pleasant weekend of hunting and fishing … And then the whole family just vanished. No signs of violence, or even of a struggle. The servants just arrived one morning to find the front door open and the House deserted. People who’ve stayed there in the years since have reported bad dreams and noises in the night. And a feeling of never being entirely alone.’

  Penny batted her eyelids at me admiringly. ‘Oh, Ishmael, you do know everything!’

  ‘Did you also know that back in the thirties Coronach House was briefly home to the Most Evil Man in the World?’ said the Colonel.

  I looked at him. I hadn’t known that. ‘Crow Lee lived there?’

  ‘Briefly,’ said the Colonel. ‘Apparently he saw something that frightened him and he left in a hurry.’

  ‘What could be bad enough to scare the Most Evil Man in the World?’ I said.

  ‘Exactly!’ said the Colonel.

  ‘I know the name,’ said Penny, frowning. ‘But that was all just … publicity, wasn’t it? To help sell his books on the occult?’

  ‘No,’ I said. ‘Crow Lee really was everything they said he was. I ran into him once. Back when I was still working for Black Heir. We were bidding for the same item at a very specialized auction house.’

  ‘What were you bidding for?’ said Penny.

  ‘Almost certainly not what it was supposed to be,’ I said. ‘You come across a lot of fakes in our line of work.’

  ‘What was he like?’ asked Penny.

  ‘Appalling views, but surprisingly good company,’ I said. ‘I was supposed to make him disappear, but at the last moment the kill order was rescinded. I’m still not sure whether I should have ignored the reprieve and done the job anyway. Just on general principles.’

  Penny stirred uncomfortably. She doesn’t like to be reminded that I used to kill people. Even if they were people who needed killing.

  ‘If we could return to the subject of Coronach House,’ said the Colonel. ‘Another part of its unsavoury history might have a connection to our agent’s death. The Coronach creature.’

  ‘There’s another story?’ said Penny. ‘I’m amazed anyone will go near the place.’

  ‘It’s the stories that attract the tourists,’ I said. ‘And this one predates everything we’ve discussed. Supposedly, a horribly misshapen child was born to the family in the House. An abomination. Too monstrous to be allowed to live, it was taken down to the loch, thrown in, and left to dro
wn. But somehow it survived, and grew up alone and abandoned. In the depths, in the dark. Becoming something terribly powerful … an undying thing, with an undying hatred.’

  ‘How is that even possible?’ asked Penny.

  ‘Legends aren’t strong on details,’ I said. ‘Though some versions hint there was a reason why the child was what it was, something the family did … Anyway, apparently once in every century the creature emerges from the loch and comes ashore to take its revenge on whoever happens to be living in Coronach House at the time.’

  ‘Has anyone ever seen this creature?’ said Penny.

  ‘It’s just a story, Penny,’ I said. ‘Superseded in the public imagination by the Loch Ness monster. Probably because that’s less disturbing.’

  ‘But some animal is supposed to have killed Jennifer Rifkin,’ said Penny. ‘Could it be the creature in the story?’

  I looked at the Colonel.

  ‘Unlikely,’ he said carefully. ‘Rather more likely is that someone is using the old story as a cover for their own purposes.’

  ‘What is the mission, exactly?’ I asked. ‘Solve Jennifer’s murder? Or protect the Baphomet Group?’

  ‘Both,’ said the Colonel. ‘On the one hand, no one kills one of our agents and gets away with it. On the other hand, the members of the Baphomet Group must be kept safe until they have completed their deliberations and left the country. After which, their safety can be someone else’s concern. However, there are … complications.’

  ‘Somehow, I just knew you were going to say that,’ I said.

  Penny nodded solemnly.

  ‘All the members of the Group – usually referred to as “the principals” – will have their own security people, in addition to those provided by the House.’

  ‘Because they don’t trust each other?’ said Penny.

  ‘Precisely,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘What are they afraid of?’ I asked. ‘Hostile takeovers?’

  ‘Oh, at least,’ said the Colonel. ‘Technically, all the security forces will answer to you, Mister Jones. But given that the principals are all very powerful and very private people, it’s entirely possible their security people will be reluctant to give up any of their authority. You might have to bang a few heads together to get everyone to play nicely.’

  ‘How far am I allowed to go in disciplining these people and still have the Organization back me?’ I asked.

  ‘You must rely on your own judgement,’ said the Colonel. Which we both knew wasn’t really an answer.

  ‘And if I should happen to get a chance to … listen in, while these very important principals are having their private discussions?’ I said.

  ‘The Organization would be happy to learn of anything you might happen to overhear,’ said the Colonel. ‘As a bonus. But … discreetly, please. And do try to keep as many of them alive as you can, for a change. The Organization would prefer it if at least some of them were in a position to owe us a favour afterwards.’

  ‘Got it,’ I said. I paused, as a thought struck me. ‘If I’m there representing the Organization … what are the chances of some other subterranean group being represented at Coronach House?’

  ‘World finances aren’t really their territory,’ said the Colonel. ‘It wouldn’t normally be ours, but …’

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I was expecting a “but” at some point. Why did the Organization send Jennifer, in the first place?’

  The Colonel considered his words carefully. ‘It seems there is a possibility … no more than that, you understand … that one of the principals has already been abducted and murdered, and replaced by a double. We don’t know who or why, and we don’t dare point a finger without hard evidence.’

  ‘Who told you this?’ I said. ‘Someone at the House?’

  ‘Someone,’ said the Colonel. ‘What matters is that the Organization cannot risk any internal threat to the Group’s deliberations while they’re on British soil.’

  ‘All right,’ I said. ‘That’s the real reason I’m there, but what’s my cover story? Why will the Baphomet Group think I’m there? Why was Jennifer there, officially?’

  ‘The Baphomet Group requested extra security,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Because they don’t trust each other?’ said Penny.

  ‘Got it in one, Miss Belcourt. Apparently there were some … unfortunate incidents at last year’s meeting. Bad enough that the principals felt the need for an outside agent to be placed in overall charge.’

  ‘What happened?’ I said.

  ‘No one is talking,’ said the Colonel. ‘Or at least not to us.’

  ‘How did the Organization end up with a plum job like this?’ I said.

  The Colonel pretended he hadn’t heard me. ‘It’s up to you to observe the situation, decide whether a substitution has taken place, and then take whatever actions you deem necessary.’

  ‘Including killing the impostor?’ I said.

  ‘Whatever you deem necessary,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Protecting the Group and finding Jennifer’s killer could turn out to be two different things,’ I said. ‘Which mission has preference? What am I supposed to do if there’s a conflict of interests?’

  ‘I’m sure we can trust you to make the right decision,’ said the Colonel.

  Meaning, of course, that it was down to me. And God help me if I got it wrong.

  ‘I have authority over the security people,’ I said. ‘Do I also have authority over the principals?’

  ‘Of course not,’ said the Colonel. ‘These are all very important people.’

  ‘Then how do I get them to do what I need them to do, when it’s almost certainly going to involve them doing things they’re not going to want to do?’

  ‘You could always try charm.’ The Colonel looked at me for a long moment. ‘I did argue against you being given this assignment, but I was overruled. It calls for tact and diplomacy, neither of which have ever been your strong points. If you antagonize any of these people, there could be serious repercussions for the Organization.’

  ‘Why?’ I said.

  ‘I asked that,’ said the Colonel. ‘I was told I didn’t need to know.’

  ‘Ishmael can be very charming,’ said Penny. Just to show she wasn’t being left out of the conversation. ‘In his own way.’

  ‘I am relieved to hear it,’ said the Colonel.

  ‘Have you brought us any special weapons?’ asked Penny. ‘I mean, if there is some kind of creature lurking around the House killing people …’

  ‘I prefer not to use weapons,’ I said. ‘If you’ve got a gun, you often feel obliged to use it.’

  ‘Then what about special equipment?’ Penny said stubbornly. ‘Secret agents always have a technological ace up their sleeve.’

  ‘I don’t use those, either,’ I said. ‘They tend to attract attention.’

  ‘Couldn’t agree more,’ said the Colonel. ‘However; you can’t turn up at Coronach House in that awful little hire car of yours. So I’ve arranged for you to make use of one of our official vehicles. It’s outside in the car park. A Rolls-Royce Phantom. Because you only get one chance to make a first impression. Please take good care of the car, I had to sign for it.’

  ‘Ooh!’ said Penny. ‘Can I be the chauffeur? In a proper uniform, with a peaked cap? I’ve always wanted one of those.’

  ‘No,’ said the Colonel. ‘Here are the keys to the car, Mister Jones, and here is your security ID.’

  The ID card turned out to have a number on it, but no name or photo.

  ‘Don’t I get an ID?’ said Penny.

  ‘No,’ said the Colonel. ‘Burn the ID after use, Mister Jones. I’ve also placed a change of clothes in the back of the car for you.’

  ‘What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?’ I said. ‘It’s good enough for fieldwork.’

  The Colonel looked at my jacket and jeans, and didn’t quite curl his lip. ‘Coronach House is not the field. You will be representing the Organization, and you
need to look the part if you want people like the principals to accept your authority.’

  I frowned. ‘I’m not comfortable with being in the public eye.’

  ‘Outside of the House, you won’t be.’ The Colonel allowed himself one of his thin smiles. ‘Everyone will remember the outfit, not the man wearing it. Now, I really must be going. I think I’ve enjoyed about as much of the local ambience as I can stand. Don’t contact me until the case is over, one way or the other.’

  ‘What if I decide I need backup?’ I said.

  ‘Don’t!’ said the Colonel.

  He got to his feet, nodded briskly to Penny, then to me, and left. People in the bar stared vaguely after him, recognizing that someone important had just passed by. Penny scowled at the Colonel’s departing back, and then looked at me.

  ‘Why do you always go out of your way to antagonize him, Ishmael?’

  ‘Because he’s worth it.’

  Penny sighed, recognizing a lost argument before it even started. ‘OK … Coronach House. What does the name mean?’

  ‘A coronach is a Scottish lament,’ I said. ‘A death song.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Penny. ‘Not at all ominous, then. How well did you know Jennifer Rifkin?’

  ‘Not well,’ I said. ‘She used to work for Black Heir. Not as a field agent, like me. Jennifer was in charge of internal security, investigating information leaks and the like. She had a reputation for getting to the bottom of things, no matter how many obstacles were put in her path. And she specialized in uncovering the kind of secrets people didn’t want other people to know. If the Organization sent her to Coronach House, it must have been because they thought there was something there worth uncovering.’

  ‘About the possible double? And about the Group itself?’ said Penny.

  ‘Almost certainly,’ I said.

  ‘If someone killed her, she must have found out something.’

  ‘Or someone thought she had.’

  ‘What do you know about the Baphomet Group?’ asked Penny.

  ‘Not much,’ I said. ‘Not really my field.’