Tales From the Nightside Read online

Augusta Moon and Dead Boy were re-enacting their encounter at the Vampire Club, to the amusement of all. He just stood there calmly, while she belaboured him mightily with her walking stick; until he got bored, snatched the stick away from her, and kissed her heartily on the mouth. Hardened Adventurers leaned on each other, helpless with laughter, as Augusta pursued a fleeing Dead Boy round the bar, demanding he make good on his promise.

  Suzie Shooter and Razor Eddie were firmly ensconced at the bar, already well into a drinking game that seemed to involve drinking double measures from every bottle stacked behind the bar. Lots of bets were being made; not so much on which one of them would pass out first—more on which direction they would fall.

  I had a number of drinks lined up on the bar top before me and was happily considering which order to try them in, when the Doorman came up to me. I nodded amiably to him and raised an eyebrow.

  “I thought you weren’t allowed to abandon your post at the door when there were Members present in the Club?”

  “I have been upgraded,” the Doorman said solemnly. “I have been declared an official hero, and a Club Member in good standing. But I am still the Doorman.”

  “Why?” I said.

  “Because being a Member is an honorary position, while being Doorman comes with a wage.”

  “Ah,” I said.

  “At least now I can stop off in the bar for a quick drink, now and again,” said the Doorman. “The front entrance can look after itself. It has its own security system. The Doorman is only there to impress people.”

  “You do it very well,” I said generously.

  “Thank you, Mr. Taylor. You will now oblige me by returning the Club credit card I gave you.”

  I retrieved the card from an inside pocket and handed it back to him.

  “I was rather hoping you’d forgotten about that . . .”

  “Not a chance in Hell, Mr. Taylor.”

  “I have already deducted a substantial sum,” I said. “I’ll submit my expenses later.”

  “You’re certainly welcome to try, Mr. Taylor.”

  “What’s happened to the victims we rescued from the Vampire Club?” I said.

  “Mr. Advent has escorted them to the nearest hospital, or church sanctuary, as required,” said the Doorman. “He has assured me they will all be cared for. Might I enquire, what has happened to all the appalling worms you summoned from the Necropolis?”

  “I sent them back,” I said. “Don’t want to upset the ecology of our one and only cemetery. Besides, I didn’t want them hanging around the Nightside streets long enough to acquire a taste for living flesh. No-one would be safe.”

  “What an odd place the Nightside is,” said the Doorman.

  I looked around the packed Club bar. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, in a relaxed and unconcerned and very noisy way.

  “They all came close to dying,” I said. “And worse than dying. And the whole Nightside came very close to being overrun and conquered by the undead. All because one of these people bit off more than he could chew. Heroes don’t belong in the Nightside. They think it’s all a game.”

  “It is,” said the Doorman. “The Big Game. At least I understand why they do what they do. Why do you do what you do, Mr. Taylor?”

  “It’s a dirty job, cleaning up after heroes,” I said, reaching for my first drink. “But someone’s got to do it.”

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  Table of Contents

  Also by Simon R. Green

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Contents

  Introduction

  THE NIGHTSIDE, NEEDLESS TO SAY

  RAZOR EDDIE’S BIG NIGHT OUT

  LUCY, AT CHRISTMASTIME

  APPETITE FOR MURDER

  THE DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES

  SOME OF THESE CONS GO WAY BACK

  THE SPIRIT OF THE THING

  HUNGRY HEART

  HOW DO YOU FEEL?

  THE BIG GAME