Very Important Corpses Read online

  Up close, the loch was huge and flat, and quietly enigmatic. It stretched away in both directions, between two lowering ranges of bare stone and scrub-covered hillside. The waters were disturbingly dark and opaque under an iron-grey sky, with not a trace of movement anywhere. No tourists on sightseeing trips, no scientific expeditions, and not even a solitary fisherman out trying his luck. No sign of any wildlife, or even a solitary bird in the darkening sky. Loch Ness had the cold, settled look of something that had been around for centuries which had every intention of still being there for centuries to come. As far as Loch Ness was concerned, people were irrelevant. The long stretch of dark waters seemed big enough and dark enough to hide any number of secrets.

  Penny shuddered briefly, as much from the atmosphere as the chill evening air, and I didn’t blame her. You can’t work in the spying game for as long as I have without knowing when something is looking back at you. I left Penny standing on the bank to keep an eye on the loch, just in case it decided to spring a surprise or two, while I retrieved my backpack and her suitcase from the Phantom. And then I locked the car, because you can’t be too careful. The uniformed chauffeurs were still watching silently. I turned my back on them with quiet dignity and went to stand before the front door, looking the House over. Penny came back to join me, and slipped a companionable arm through mine.

  ‘You’d better carry the baggage,’ I said. ‘It wouldn’t look right for a Man In Black, and an Organization agent at that, to act as a porter.’

  ‘In your dreams, space boy!’ said Penny. ‘I’m sure they’ll send someone out to take care of it if we glare at them hard enough.’

  The front door opened suddenly. I quickly drew myself up to my full height, while Penny stepped a little away from me, the better to strike a glamorous pose; both of us ready for whatever the House might throw at us. Glowering from the doorway was a tall, heavily built middle-aged woman in a smart twinset and pearls. She looked less like a welcoming committee and more like a first line of defence. I gave her my best winning smile, while Penny positively dazzled. An effect somewhat ruined when the wind tried to take her hat again and she had to grab on to it with both hands. The woman in the doorway looked us over with a cold, unwavering stare. As though to make it exceedingly clear we weren’t fooling her one bit. Her face was set in hard, uncompromising lines, under a heavy mane of dark hair thickly streaked with grey. She didn’t move an inch, so after a moment I stepped forward, with Penny sticking close beside me. Though whether to back me up or so she could hide behind me, I wasn’t entirely sure. The woman still didn’t say anything, just glared at me challengingly, demanding I prove my right to be there wasting her time. My first instinct was to punch her out and walk into the House over her unconscious body, just to set the proper tone, but the Colonel had used the words ‘tact’ and ‘diplomacy’, so …

  ‘Ishmael Jones and Penny Belcourt,’ I said. ‘We’re expected.’

  ‘You’re late,’ said the woman. Her voice had the sound of a steel trap closing. I just knew we weren’t going to get on.

  ‘Would you care to make a small wager as to whether or not I give a damn?’ I said pleasantly. ‘We’re here now. Be grateful. Either all your troubles are over, or they’re just beginning.’

  ‘Ishmael …’ Penny murmured.

  ‘She started it,’ I said.

  Penny turned her dazzling smile on the woman again and turned up the wattage. ‘What a lovely old house you have here.’

  ‘It’s not my house,’ said the woman. ‘I am the Major Domo.’ She paused a moment, to see if I was going to be dumb enough to question a woman holding such a title; and when I didn’t, she pressed on. ‘I am Helen McGregor. I run the staff here and ensure that everything is as it should be.’ She unbent a little, under the full force of Penny’s unwavering smile. ‘Coronach House is centuries old, but it has every modern facility. You will find it very comfortable here, and extremely secure.’

  ‘I don’t think the last operative we sent you would agree,’ I said. ‘I want to know everything about what happened to Jennifer Rifkin.’

  ‘Of course,’ said the Major Domo. ‘House security is my responsibility.’

  ‘Not any more,’ I said. ‘Now it’s mine. Doesn’t that give you a nice snug, safe feeling? Aren’t you going to invite us in? Answer the second question first.’

  The Major Domo looked down her nose at our paltry luggage. ‘You’ll have to carry that. All of my staff are busy, looking after the principals of the Baphomet Group.’

  She turned her back on us and went back inside. Penny glared at me, and grabbed her suitcase. Because she knew I might need both hands free to protect us.

  ‘You had to annoy her …’

  ‘Start as you mean to go on,’ I said, shouldering my backpack. ‘I’m getting a strong feeling we should watch our backs at all times once we’re in there.’

  ‘You think we’re in danger?’

  ‘Always.’

  She grinned suddenly. ‘Danger is our business. Right, space boy?’

  ‘Right on, spy girl.’

  ‘Wipe your feet!’ snarled the Major Domo, the moment we entered Coronach House. I ignored her, just on general principles, and strode on into the great open hall. Penny let go of her hat with a quiet sigh of relief and looked admiringly around, as the Major Domo slammed the front door with rather more force than was necessary. The reception area had been designed to be impressively large, with richly polished wood-panelled walls on all sides and a truly imposing parquet floor. Heavy antique furniture stood around, filling up space in a purposeful sort of way, like watchful guard dogs. Traditional hunting prints covered the walls, showing all kinds of local wildlife being pursued and torn apart by packs of hounds. The whole scene was so very traditionally Scottish it wouldn’t have looked out of place on a tin of shortbread. Everything was very clean, every surface gleaming, as though a small army had passed through recently, polishing as it went. Penny dumped her suitcase on the floor beside me, with a meaningfully loud grunt. I pretended not to notice.

  ‘I want it understood from the outset that I do not represent any of the principals,’ the Major Domo said sternly. ‘I come with the House and see to the needs of anyone it is rented out to. The Baphomet Group is currently in residence, and it is my responsibility to liaise between the House staff and those the principals have brought with them. Especially when, for any number of reasons, certain people have decided they’re not talking to certain other people. The trouble with the principals is that they are often the inheritors of long-standing inter-family feuds. Still arguing over who said what to who, or which family cheated which over some long-forgotten business manoeuvre. I sometimes think the current incumbents inherited financial acumen and accumulated bitterness along with their mother’s milk. Hard though it is to accept that these people could ever have been innocents. Their security guards squabble constantly, and sometimes violently, reflecting their principals’ varying moods. The House security and staff answer only to me. They do not squabble. Because I do not permit such behaviour.’

  ‘But do they perhaps sometimes squabble with the principals’ security people?’ said Penny, as always going straight to the heart of the matter.

  The Major Domo inclined her head slightly, accepting the hit. ‘There have been … incidents. Perhaps you can persuade them to act like grown-ups.’

  ‘Love to,’ I said.

  She looked me over dubiously. ‘You’ll have a hard time getting any of the principals’ people to listen to you. The principals are very important people, and the Organization is a long way away.’

  ‘Not while I’m here, it isn’t,’ I said. ‘Still, not to worry. I’m sure I’ll find a way to win them over.’

  ‘Oh, this is going to get unpleasant …’ murmured Penny.

  I fixed the Major Domo with a thoughtful look. ‘What do you know about the Organization?’

  She smiled, briefly. ‘You’d be surprised.’

  ‘I want to se
e Jennifer Rifkin’s body,’ I said. ‘I’ve only been provided with limited information as to how she died. You do still have the body here?’

  ‘Of course,’ said the Major Domo. ‘I knew you’d want to examine it. And anyway, we can’t allow the local authorities in until the Group has finished its business.’

  ‘When was she killed, exactly?’ asked Penny.

  ‘Late last evening,’ said the Major Domo. Her face and voice were perfectly calm. She might have been discussing dinner arrangements. ‘We have the body preserved in a temporary morgue. Follow me. You can leave your luggage here. No one will touch it.’

  ‘I would advise against that,’ I said. ‘I haven’t disarmed the booby traps yet.’

  Penny nodded solemnly. The Major Domo’s eyes flickered to the suitcase, and then she set off towards the rear of the House without looking back to see if we were following. I sauntered after her, as though I’d been meaning to go that way all along. Penny trotted along beside me, beaming happily at everything. Our footsteps sounded loud and carrying, as though warning we were coming.

  A quick trip through some deserted back corridors brought us to a large kitchen, full of noise and bustle and escaping steam as the staff prepared the evening meal. Bare stone walls ran with perspiration, much like the staff, and the old-fashioned gas cookers were weighed down with all kinds of pots and pans. Someone was chopping up greens with grim determination, someone else was stirring sauce as though their life depended on it, and a third was doing something very unfortunate to a dead chicken. Two cooks in immaculate whites, one large and one small (it’s always that way, I think it’s some kind of rule), bullied their staff with harsh words and much waving of the hands, even though the staff seemed to be doing all the actual work. One of the cooks spun round to confront us, drawing himself up to his full height.

  ‘No! You must not come in here! Not while we are working! How are we to work our culinary miracles without the correct atmosphere in which to collect our thoughts? The principals assured us we would be allowed our privacy!’

  ‘You don’t work for the principals,’ said the Major Domo, entirely unmoved by such blatant theatrics. ‘You work for me.’

  ‘We are artists!’ snapped the second cook, hovering agitatedly beside the first. ‘You cannot expect us to provide our best work under constant interruptions!’

  ‘Yes I can,’ said the Major Domo. ‘I pay your wages.’

  The two cooks looked at each other, silently agreed that they weren’t going to get anywhere with the Major Domo, and turned as one to glare at me. I glared right back at them, and they both decided their art required them to be very busy somewhere else. The kitchen staff didn’t look up from what they were doing, but I got a definite sense they were enjoying the situation. The Major Domo strode on through the kitchen, ignoring one and all, and Penny and I drifted after her. An imposingly large steel door had been set flush into the rear wall, very firmly closed, with a heavy steel padlock to make sure it stayed that way. I could tell from recent tool marks that the padlock had only been added recently. The Major Domo produced a large key ring from about her person, selected one of the keys, unlocked the padlock, and pulled open the heavy door. She had to use both hands to do it. A blast of refrigerated air rushed out, shockingly cold in the overheated atmosphere. All the kitchen staff paused for a moment to savour the blessed relief. The Major Domo strode through the open door, not even gesturing for us to follow.

  I looked at Penny. ‘What say we slam the door on her and close the padlock? Just to encourage a change in attitude.’

  ‘She’d probably gnaw her way out,’ said Penny. ‘I think she’s in a bad mood about something.’

  ‘I wonder what,’ I said.

  Beyond the open door lay a surprisingly large walk-in freezer. All kinds of food had been stacked up in tottering rows. Everything from canned preserves and boxes of cereal to plastic-wrapped haunches of meat; everything from the usual suspects to the most up-to-date delicacies. Some of it piled right up to the ceiling. There was only just room for me to ease my way through the piled-up boxes. Penny shuddered at the cold. I didn’t. The Major Domo waited impatiently, apparently unaffected by her surroundings.

  Jennifer Rifkin’s body had been laid out on a bare table at the back. Food had been left stacked disrespectfully close, but to be fair there wasn’t a lot of space. Penny and I ended up standing shoulder to shoulder with the Major Domo. Our breath mingled as it steamed on the bitter air. Penny hugged herself tightly. I eased past the Major Domo, to stand over the body. The dead woman stared impassively up at the ceiling, her face and open eyes covered with a layer of frost. A short sturdy woman in her late forties, she was wearing the same black suit as me, but no sunglasses. I took mine off and put them away. Jennifer’s round face was pale and expressionless, as though she had no opinion as to who might have attacked her, or why. I thought about closing the staring eyes, then thought better of it. In this low temperature there was a real chance the eyelids might break off.

  ‘I’m here, Jennifer,’ I said. ‘Sorry it took so long.’

  ‘So you did know her,’ said Penny.

  ‘She investigated me, back when I was at Black Heir,’ I said. ‘She had no proof, no evidence, but she just knew there was something different about me. So we did the dance of question and answer, accusation and evasion, until we couldn’t remember who was chasing who. It was a very close relationship.’

  There was a dull heavy thud behind us. We looked quickly round, to find the Major Domo had returned to the freezer door and pulled it shut. Penny made an involuntary sound. The Major Domo looked at her condescendingly, as she came back to join us.

  ‘I thought we could use some privacy. There is nothing to be concerned about, Miss Belcourt. The door can always be opened from the inside. It is a basic safety feature.’

  ‘Is that why you put a padlock on the outside?’ said Penny, quickly recovering her composure. ‘Because you were concerned the corpse might get up and walk out?’

  The Major Domo looked briefly shocked. The idea clearly hadn’t occurred to her before; and now it had, she didn’t like it one bit. She glanced uneasily at Jennifer, and then made a point of fixing her attention on me.

  ‘The Organization gave orders that the body was to be kept secure,’ she said. ‘No one has even looked at it since my people put it here. I have the only key to the padlock.’

  ‘Good to know,’ I said.

  I gave all my attention to the body on the table. No obvious wounds, and no obvious cause of death. No discoloration to the lips or the whites of the eyes to indicate poison. And no defence wounds to the hands to suggest she’d tried to protect herself. Her clothes looked neat and tidy, and undisturbed.

  ‘She was a Woman In Black,’ Penny said quietly. ‘Good for her.’

  I glanced at the Major Domo. ‘Who found the body? And under what circumstances?’

  ‘That evening there had been a question over which security people had precedence,’ the Major Domo said steadily. ‘Nothing new, the principals’ staff are always butting heads. I was getting nowhere sorting it out, so I sent one of the maids up to Miss Rifkin’s room to ask her to come down and shout at them. Sometimes the principal’s people would stand down to her when they wouldn’t to me. It was a way for them to save face; so they could explain to their principal that it wasn’t their fault, they were just helpless in the face of Organization authority.

  ‘Miss Rifkin was supposed to be resting in her room. No one had seen her for some time. When the maid got there the door was standing open; and when she looked inside, she saw the room had been wrecked. Apparently by some creature. You can see for yourself, when you’re done here. We’ve kept the room locked and guarded, waiting for someone else from the Organization to arrive and take over the investigation.

  ‘The maid didn’t go in, just raised the alarm and waited till I got there. Every bit of furniture in the room had been overturned or smashed. Miss Rifkin was lying still on the
bed, apparently untouched in the midst of so much destruction. I examined her briefly, just enough to confirm she was dead. Then left the room and sealed it, and placed an emergency call to your people. The principals didn’t like it, but even they didn’t want to antagonize the Organization. I had the body brought down here and began a basic investigation. All of the principals’ security people were quite firm: none of them had seen or heard anything while the room was being smashed and Miss Rifkin was being killed. I have no explanation as to how that could have been possible. You talk to them, perhaps they’ll admit things to you that they wouldn’t to me.’

  ‘You don’t want us here,’ I said, meeting her gaze squarely. ‘Do you?’

  She didn’t seem surprised or offended by my bluntness. ‘There are enough conflicting interests in this house as it is. The last thing I need is more complications. I was hoping you would remove the body and leave any further investigations until the Group’s business is over. But you’re not going to do that, are you?’

  ‘Jennifer was killed while the Group was here,’ I said. ‘That makes all of them potential suspects.’

  ‘You can’t be thinking of accusing any of the principals!’ said the Major Domo. ‘They’re all …’

  ‘Very important people,’ I said. ‘I know. Three guesses as to whether I give a damn, and you get the first two for free.’

  ‘You can’t upset the principals!’

  ‘Oh, I think you’ll find he can,’ said Penny. ‘He’s really very good at it.’

  The Major Domo shook her head. ‘How long before you’ll be finished?’

  ‘It’ll take as long as it takes,’ I said. ‘Until I find the murderer.’

  ‘I’m not convinced there is one,’ said the Major Domo. ‘The state of the room suggested an attack by some kind of wild animal.’